Men’s Mental Health: The Power of Vulnerability

Written by Scott Bowden, Psychologist at Pine Rivers Private Hospital

It is serendipitous that on the eve before being asked to write this brief article on men’s mental health I had a conversation with a man that brought this very issue into sharp focus. This individual had bought the gym I attend in December of 2019, and had invested large sums of money into bettering the establishment. Then, in a tragic twist, an enemy invisible to the naked eye shut the whole venture down. COVID-19 had struck. Worse yet, his wife’s business was also crippled by the shutdown. As if life hadn’t been brutal enough, this man then came off his bicycle whilst riding with his son, breaking his ribs and several fingers, and leaving him with massive grazes and bruising. Stephen King couldn’t script a more sinister nightmare.

Now there’s something you need to know about this man. He’s what you would call a “blokes bloke”. All my previous experiences with him left me with the distinct impression that he was tough, largely impervious to stress, and certainly not the sort of guy who hangs out in the messy realm of emotions. So you can imagine my shock when, with tears welling in his eyes, he spoke these words to me just last night: “Scott, this COVID-19 situation nearly broke me”. His face and eyes spoke volumes – of days and nights filled with stress, anxiety and despair. Of sleepless nights ruminating about his family’s future. My heart went out to him. After giving him some more space to speak it out a realization began to dawn on me. One that filled me with hope for this man’s future despite his ongoing struggles. He had vulnerably reached out. Not just to me, but also, as it turns out, to his GP. He’d had the courage to admit he was not doing well emotionally which had opened the door to the support and assistance he required. Although still rattled, he was practicing the very centerpiece of resiliency – obtaining support and connection.

Many men are not so wise. Despite the fact that 1 in 8 Australian men will suffer depression in their lifetime, and 1 in 5 will experience an anxiety disorder¹, many men are shackled by outmoded and frankly dangerous definitions of masculinity that label vulnerability and asking for help somehow ‘feminine’ and ‘weak’. Better to armour up, take a cement pill, suppress your feelings with addictive behaviours (i.e. alcohol, drugs, work, gambling), and stoically soldier on in order to avoid the shame of exposing you don’t have it all together. But if this was the best approach how do you explain the following Australian statistics²?:

• 6 men per day die by suicide
• Men are 3 times more likely to die by suicide than women
• The number of men who die by suicide annually is nearly twice that of the national road toll

Clearly, the “harden up and get on with it” culture isn’t bearing good fruit. One reasonable explanation as to why suicide rates are so much higher in men than women is that women are much more open to sharing their feelings and asking for help. As a result, they increase their chances of getting the support and assistance required to get through tough times. The huge irony is that the reason men struggle to admit mental health difficulties is that they’re afraid they’ll appear weak. Fear is driving the reluctance to open up. And if fear is making the decisions for us, we cannot hope to be the strong, courageous men we aspire to be.

Men struggling with their mental health need a newer, more humane, and ultimately truer perspective on vulnerability and help-seeking. The following quote by author and speaker Dr. Ted Zeff sums this up perfectly:

“It takes the strength of a warrior to admit you have an emotional crisis”

Like my friend at the gym, brave men have the courage to be vulnerable and to ask for help. They swallow their false pride and discover the wonderful reality that ‘the humble get the help.’ So if you or someone close to you identifies that you’re struggling emotionally, be brave enough to take one of the following actions:

• Open up to a trusted family member, friend, mentor, spiritual advisor or colleague
• See your GP to discuss your concerns
• Access Employee Assistance Services via your Human Resource Department
• Utilize online/telephone supports such as MensLine Australia, BeyondBlue, or Lifeline
• Be willing to be referred to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counsellor for more specialized mental health/medication-related support
• If in a severe crisis, consider inpatient hospital admission

Always remember, there is power in vulnerability and humbly asking for help. As Malcolm X so succinctly put it, “When 'I' is replaced with 'we", even illness becomes wellness."

 

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¹https://www.beyondblue.org.au/media/statistics

²https://www.beyondblue.org.au/media/statistics