Transgender Day of Visibility – a transition story

“This is my story, I am writing this story to share my experience on this very important day “Trans day of visibility 2021”.
 
I was an only boy born in a very supportive family, mental health was openly discussed in my family since I was young , I was aware of various feelings and emotions that a person experiences in their life, I grew up in a “mindful” family. My family always encouraged me to be comfortable with my emotions within reason rather than hide them. My family was and till date is an inclusive family, a family that we now a days call “a rainbow family”. I had a happy and nurturing upbringing. I enjoyed school. 
 
I started feeling different when I was around 13 years old, I wasn’t sure what it was. Thinking back I remember my family used to wonder if I probably would grow up to be gay, a proud gay member of a proud rainbow family. Perhaps they could see something that I could not at that stage. They were not judgemental about this and were always in the background, just there in background, in case I needed some help. But this feeling was very different, it was difficult to make sense of it. 
 
Slowly I started withdrawing, I became anxious , I started hating going to school, it was a very slow process, months of slow decline. People in general thought it was just a teenage phase that would pass. 
 
The turning point was at 14 years of age when my class had a session on sex education, boys and girls were initially advised to attend separate sessions and later a combined session. I just didn’t feel I belonged to either of these two groups. It was a very overwhelmingly sad and confusing day for me. I felt lost. I felt I didn’t belong. Even though I was not alone, I felt lonely. 
 
From there on it was several years of very confusing period where I questioned my sexuality initially. I initially thought I identified as gay. After months of that , I realised  that I was attracted to boys and girls equally. It slowly changed my perception , I would often discuss this with my family, and I then thought that maybe I was bisexual. However, that uneasy feeling still continued. 
 
By this time I was around 15 years of age. My family was very supportive, they would take me out for shopping. They encouraged me to be myself and give myself time to figure out what was happening in my personal life. They would buy nice clothes for me. And then slowly the uneasy feelings changed into severe confusion, it was very overwhelming. I hated shopping. I was not sure what kind of clothes I wanted to buy. I would only feel comfortable in big baggy clothes and loose track pants. I hated having showers, I hated looking in mirror, I just hated how my body looked.   I just hated being out in community. I started missing classes. I was falling behind in my studies. I used to dread waking up in morning, I would not have any clue as to what to do with my day. I started feeling worthless, and suicidal. I could not see any future. I could not understand why was I feeling that way.
 
One night I left a note on my mother’s bed “I want to kill myself and I don’t want to talk about it”. It was cry for help, I was desperate for this overwhelming confusion to stop. I was exhausted. I resisted the suicidal thoughts, but the emotional pain was intense, I thought of self-harming to get some relief from that pain.
 
Thankfully my family was very proactive in getting me some support. We tried counselling and psychological support initially, and later I also started antidepressants as I was feeling suicidal. My family was always there to support me. 
 
During this time I was also taking part in some drama and theatre activities at school. I slowly realised that I felt overall better about myself in feminine roles, and slowly it became clear that I was going through gender dysphoria. It wasn’t an “Aha” moment, but slowly my past feelings and confusion started making sense. 
 
In last several years, I have been fortunate and grateful that with my family’s help I have been able to attend assessments with private psychiatrist who specialise in assessment, suport and treatment for people with gender dysphoria. I started on the hormone medications after in-depth and thorough assessment. I have progressed in my process towards transition. I have socially transitioned, I feel emotionally better in myself. I feel better about my body with the changes from the hormones.  I know I have still a long way to go, but I am just taking one step at a time. 
 
Now I am linked with a good professional team that includes my GP, my psychiatrist, and a surgeon who specialises in gender reassignment surgery. I feel much better overall with this support. 
 
Looking back, if I didn’t have support of my family , friends and professional team, I could have easily been misdiagnosed and probably by now I would have experienced significant trauma if I didn’t have their support.”